


soap

by Random_ag



Category: Bendy and the Ink Machine, b a r e l y
Genre: Bottled up emotions, Gender Dysphoria, HELP THIS FUCKING MAN WITH HIS EMOTIONS ITS THE 30S AND HES FEELING LIKE SHIT, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, a douche is a jackass, someone help this man he hecking... needs it, theres a moment abt opening oneself litterally so whatch out for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-08 01:59:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16420211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_ag/pseuds/Random_ag
Summary: It was so exhausting having to watch his words in a world that didn’t.It was so tiring eating toad after toad to keep people around him.To not be humiliated, persecuted, treated like a dog.





	soap

There’s a bottle filled with grated soap somewhere in his house.

 

_No, no, it’s not for himself._

 

It’s a mix of pink, purple and blue shards from three different bars.

 

_It’s for his cousin. He just has the same size._

 

It has a lovely smell and looks wonderful.

 

_The clerk knows him. And his cousin, she knows, is a girl._

 

There’s a label on it.

 

_She doesn’t let him buy the pants. They’re for men._

 

Confidence.

 

 

_That night he slept in the bath tub and wished he hadn’t went there._

 

 

It wasn’t a good idea to bottle up emotions.

 

_“Dear, please, think before you give those dresses away.”_

 

Not figuratively, not litteraly.

 

_“They look gorgeous on you! Why not get rid of… something else?”_

 

But putting little things away where he knew he’d forget them felt good.

 

_“We’re only saying this because we care about you.”_

 

Refreshing.

 

_“Sometimes you look like a transvestite.”_

 

Like there was a chance Kim could just do that with himself.

 

 

_That night he cried for his aching back and wished he hadn’t brought it up._

 

 

Just put away all that could have been bad.

 

_She got mad when she found out._

 

Closed in a pretty little glass container.

 

_She yelled._

 

Being an ornament.

 

_Accused him of lying to get her._

 

And then being thrown somewhere nobody would even think of to look for it.

 

_Of something he couldn’t control._

 

Lost forever, with a faint memory that reminded him it happened.

 

_Everybody turned._

 

But no way it could affect anything in the present.

 

 

_That night he passed out drunk and wished he could cut his tongue off._

 

 

He thought, sometimes, of just grabbing something sharp to cut his flesh open with the calm precision of a surgeon and decide how to rearrange his apparatus, taking all that didn’t belong within himself out, reshaping what was out of place.

This, these, who put them in there? Surely, there’s been a misunderstanding.

And what’s with these hips, their ends so far from each other? A simple mistake.

Do not worry, Sir, you were surely too busy, I understand. It’s not a problem.

Just a couple of adjustments, and there.

Perfect.

But the fear of pain and doing things wrong hushed such violent thoughts.

 

_The fear of letting his body and soul out in the open._

 

So he changed his name to an androgynous one, tucked shirts of bigger size in his pants to give himself an angular figure, never screamed to keep his voice as low as he could, and pushed his chest deep back into his ribcage until he hoped the flesh would just distribute itself better.

It didn’t.

Maybe it was because of whatever was in his chest.

Something that yelled and yelled to be let out like a crazed hummingbird trapped in a cardboard box smaller than him.

But if he did, what would have others thought?

That he was a liar, an attention-seeker, a succubus. Bitch, whore.

Less believable than a single wretched letter on a paper no one wouldn’t have ever wanted or had the chance to read anyways.

 

Kim cried a lot when he had bad days that made him want to melt in the water in a billions of bubbles. When he tried his best not to want alcoholic strawberry to wash his mouth clean of all connections to his brain, oppressed by an ever-present past that terrified him of the future but still desperate to find even just ten people to tell everything to.

In the vain hope that someone would be able to think before talking and try to put themselves in his shoes.

Because it was so exhausting having to watch his words in a world that didn’t.

It was so tiring eating toad after toad to keep people around him.

To not be humiliated, persecuted, treated like a dog.

How hard could it have been?

Saying “he” and “man” and “boy” and “handsome”.

 

_Very, apparently._

_So if it’s the heart that makes you speak, bottle it up and throw it away._

_And it won’t speak no more._

 

Keep it trapped inside.

Keep everything else outside.

Be nice, be polite, but remember.

Don’t let them in.

Don’t let it out.

 

_Don’t talk. Don’t speak. Maybe he’ll go away._

 

If you do, it will leave you with rejection and humiliation.

 

_Don’t open your mouth. Relax. It’s fine. Wait._

 

Be yourself, be friendly.

 

_He just likes you. Be calm. Let him. Don’t say it._

 

Don’t let them come closer than that.

 

_“I’m sorry, sir, uh, y-you forgot you glasses. I’m a man.”_

 

Before the idea, think of the aftermath.

 

_He doesn’t get it._

 

Of everything that could go wrong.

 

_He calls you a girl again._

 

Close all you feel in a bottle.

 

_A small crowd gathers._

 

Hide it away where you’ll never find it.

 

_They have a dyke in men’s clothes to look at._

 

Be afraid of being loved.

 

_What a specimen, what an attraction._

 

Of being turned down.

 

_Someone calls the police: “Come get this cross-dresser.”_

 

Of being laughed at.

 

_Why._

 

Hide under an impossible amount of splinters.

 

_Did._

 

Never let them know.

 

_You._

 

Ever.

 

_Speak._

 

 

~~So beautiful, so polite, so quiet. Kim, Kim, Kim, everybody wants him, everybody likes him, everybody enjoys his company. Just pray to God they’ll never wish to enter his bedroom and take his clothes off.~~

 

 

Opening himself to others.

 

_That night he washed his mouth out with soap and wished he’d never been born._

 

That terrified Kim.


End file.
